Concepts and Definitions

Awareness of experiences is essential to processing them. Betrayed men speak and write about intrinsic experiences that are difficult to convey in words. Many speak of similar themes. Detailed study of scientific research sheds light on the basis of these themes. We hope that you find these concepts and definitions helpful. We do not claim that all betrayed men experience all these themes. Many, however, speak and write about more than one. We would be honored to speak with you about yours.

Basic Emotions: Humans experience two main types of emotion, basic and cognitive. Science holds that there are seven basic emotions, which originate in, and are governed by, the most primitive parts of the brain. Basic emotions safeguard individual survival. Research has shown that discovering infidelity activates basic emotions. Many betrayed men speak of experiencing basic sexual disgust toward their unfaithful spouse. They state that part of their disgust flows from the awareness of their spouse as a sexual object to another man, a concept that is well-attested in scientific research.

Tybur, J. M., Lieberman, D., & Griskevicius, V. (2009). Microbes, mating, and morality: Individual differences in three functional domains of disgust. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97, 103–122. 

Al-Shawaf L., Conroy-Beam D., Asao K., & Buss D. M. (2016). Human emotions: An evolutionary psychological perspective. Emotion Review, 8(2), 173–186. 

Asao, K., Crosby, C. L. & Buss, D. M. (2022). Sexual morality: Multidimensionality and sex differences. Evolutionary Behavioural Sciences, 17(4), 420–445. 

Mate Value: Scientific research identifies ‘mate value’ as a pivotal factor in intimate relationships. Humans perceive their own and their spouse’s mate value from basic and cognitive contexts. Sexual exclusivity is a core facet of spouses’ mate value. Scientific research establishes that sexual infidelity results in sharp declines in an unfaithful spouse’s mate value. 

Schmitt, D., Jonason, P. K., Byerley, G. J., Flores, S. D., Illbeck, B. E., O’Leary, K., & Quadrat, A. (2012). A reexamination of sex differences in sexuality: New studies reveal old truths. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 21, 135–139.

Shackelford, T., & Buss, D. (1996). Betrayal in mateships, friendships, and coalitions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 22, 1151–1164. 

Millar, M., & Baker, A. (2017). Behavioral reactions to emotional and sexual infidelity: Mate abandonment versus mate retention. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 11, 336–340.

Sexual Access: The term ‘sexual access’ appears throughout scientific research about intimate relationships and infidelity. People in committed relationships, men and women equally, expect exclusive sexual access from one another. Some researchers contend that in heterosexual relationships, women’s sexual access holds intrinsic value. In this context, sexual infidelity robs men of their relationship’s most basic and cognitive value. 

Starratt, V. G., Weekes-Shackelford, V., & Shackelford, T. K. (2017). Mate value both positively and negatively predicts intentions to commit an infidelity. Personality and Individual Differences, 104, 18–22.  

Baumeister, R. F. & Vohs, K. D. (2004). Sexual economics: Sex as female resource for social exchange in heterosexual interactions. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 8, 339–363.

Hughes, S. M., & Harrison, M. A. (2019). Women reveal, men conceal: Current relationship disclosure when seeking an extrapair partner. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 13(3), 272-277. 

Pair Bonding: In the absence of decisional commitment, nature drives women’s pair bonding.[1] Pheromones sampled during sensuous touching, kissing even more so, pave women’s path to bonding. More specifically, oxytocin, when released during orgasm, has powerful effects on pair bonding in women.[2] Men bond over time, and by choice. Once men bond, the birth of children to the pair deepens the bond. Betrayed men and fathers consistently speak and write of sensing an intact bond with their unfaithful spouse.

[1] Fisher, M. L., Worth, K., Garcia, J. R., & Meredith, T. (2011). Feelings of regret following uncommitted sexual encounters in Canadian university students. Culture, Health, and Sexuality, 14(1), 45–57.

[2] Poeppl, T. B., Langguth, B., Rupprecht, R., Safron, A., Bzdok, D., Laird, A. R., & Eickhoff, S. B. (2016). The neural basis of sex differences in sexual behavior: A quantitative meta-analysis. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology, 43, 28–43.

Berkson, D. L. (2017). Sexy Brain: Sizzling Intimacy & Balanced Hormones Prevent Alzheimer’s, Cancer, Depression & Divorce. Austin: TX. ‎ Awakened Medicine Press.

Attachment: Scientists characterize attachment as secure or insecure. Secure attachment is associated with fidelity.[1] Considerable scientific research centers on attachment injuries to betrayed women.[2] We have not found any research that centers on attachment injuries to betrayed men. More to the point, we have not found any research that specifically addresses a common situation with women’s infidelity: securely attached, committed men, betrayed by insecurely attached women.[3]

[1] Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H. E., & Aron, A. (2010). Infidelity: When, where, why. In W. H. Cupach & B. H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The dark side of close relationships II. Routledge.

[2] Buunk, A. P., Dijkstra, P., & Massar, K. (2018). The universal threat and temptation of extradyadic affairs. In A. Vangelisti & D. Perlman (Eds.), The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships. Cambridge, MA: Cambridge University Press.

[3] Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Scott, S. B., Kelmer, G., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2019). Unequally into “Us”: Characteristics of individuals in asymmetrically committed relationships. Family Processes, 58, 214–231.