Men’s Experiences
Observations about Bondedness: Our ongoing study of scientific research, conversations with betrayed husbands and fathers, and interactions with fellow researchers, have highlighted the power of human bonds. Research scientists focus their studies on experiences that can be measured, and whenever possible, replicated. Consistent with numerous sex and individual differences, science understands more about bondedness in women than in men. Scientists know that bonding chemicals, bonding processes, and durations to bondedness are different in women and men. Researchers have also paid more attention to pair bond damages that result from betrayal in women than in men.
Scientific research about bonding has shown that the hormone vasopressin plays a pivotal role in men. Research establishes that pair bonds and friendship bonds are formed by the same processes in men. Perhaps the most widely known type of friendship bonds are those formed among men in combat. Men who have bonds formed in combat consistently state that they do not fade and cannot be broken. Also noteworthy, vasopressin is associated with protective instincts. In the context of sexual infidelity, many men state that they remain bonded with their traitor.
The words ‘commitment’ and ‘love’ appear frequently in research studies about bonds. Commitment, which is observable in human interactions, is more difficult to measure than bondedness. To a certain extent, commitment has a ‘chicken or egg’ relationship with bondedness. Researchers know, for example, that commitment correlates to conscientiousness, of which ‘duty’ is a core facet. Scientists appear uncomfortable with ‘love’. Several studies that center on pair bonds refer to the mystical and unmeasurable nature of love. To a certain extent, the scientific study of bonds reflects the study of love.
Bonds, commitment, and love bear heavily on men’s betrayal experiences. Bonds can be measured to a certain point. Scientists largely consider commitment, which is more difficult to measure, an aspect of personality that correlates with duty. Love, quite simply, cannot be measured, rather observed. We are drawn to questions centered on why betrayal damages but does not necessarily break bondedness in men. We hope to pique researcher’s interest in this topic. We are privileged to listen to the experiences of men who speak of bondedness to the spouse who betrayed them.