Article One

Do Women and Men Experience Betrayal Similarly?

Can women’s betrayal experiences serve as a baseline for understanding men’s experiences? Are the specific damages that women encounter similar to men’s? Are such comparisons useful?

What does scientific research identify as the worst betrayal experience for securely attached, committed mothers, particularly of dependent children? Specifically, what scenario, or fear thereof, causes the greatest basic (Al-Shawaf et al., 2016; Buss, 2018; Solms & Panksepp, 2012) and cognitive upheaval in mothers of dependent children? The consistent response appears to be abandonment (Buunk et al., 2018; Hughes et al., 2004; Salmon, 2017). What does research literature identify as the utmost psychological and physiological damage for betrayed mothers? The consistent response appears to be deception (Bagarozzi, 2008; Curtis et al., 2021; Lonergan et al., 2021). What does the literature describe as the most common obstacle to individual recovery for betrayed mothers? The consistent response appears to be hurt feelings, centered on negative self-comparison to the other woman (Berman & Frazier, 2005; Nelson et al., 2008; Sabini & Green, 2004). What does research describe as core elements of individual recovery for mothers? The consistent response appears to be grieving and forgiving (Abrahamson et al., 2012; Fife et al., 2013; Rokach & Chan, 2023).

Also noteworthy, scientific research addresses a pivotal concept in relational recovery: mate value (Buss & Schmidt, 2019; Drigotas & Barta, 2001; Hughes & Gallup, 2003). Fathers’ basic mate value centers on resource provision, protection, parental investment, and fidelity (Buunk et al., 2018; Salmon, 2017; Sherlock et al., 2016). Infidelity might then only damage a father’s mate value, insomuch as he continues to provide resources, protection, and parental investment (Apostolou et al., 2022; Phillips, 2010; Tybur et al., 2012).

We have not found any research that directly addresses the betrayal experiences of fathers. Research, however, recognizes that women’s sexual infidelity is particularly damaging to men (Davis et al., 2018; Millar & Baker, 2017; Miller & Maner, 2009). Men speak about investment (Allen et al., 2005; Lee & O’Sullivan, 2019; Tran et al., 2019) in their marriage and family. They state that they tried to stay, or are actively staying, for their children’s security and family legacy.

Men state that their wife’s sexual infidelity constitutes the greatest damage. More specifically, some fathers have stated that they would have preferred that their wife had left them for the other man, but because she did not, their conscientiousness—centered on their family’s legacy—does not allow them to leave. We have asked some fathers to rank the damages and have found consistency in their responses: 1) sex, 2) their wife’s resentfulness, 3) their wife’s deception. Thus, betrayed fathers identify sex as the greatest source of their basic and cognitive distress (not abandonment) and psychological and physiological damage (not deception).

What do betrayed fathers identify as the greatest obstacle to individual recovery? They speak of experiencing basic disgust toward their wife (Al-Shawaf et al., 2016; Selterman & Koleva, 2015; Tybur et al., 2012). Scientific research establishes that basic disgust is measurable (Asao et al., 2022; Davis & Arnocky, 2022; Sagarin et al., 2012). Moreoever, research shows that basic disgust correlates to conscientiousness, a trait common to betrayed fathers who feel compelled to stay in their relationship for their children’s security and legacy (Tybur et al., 2009).

Betrayed fathers state that their basic disgust emotions correlate to knowing that their wife was a sexual object to the other man, a concept well-attested in the scientific literature (DePompo & Butsuhara, 2016; Hughes & Harrison, 2019; Schmitt & Jonason, 2015). Fathers also state that basic disgust emotions are amplified by a) multiple sexual affairs, b) sex in the marital home, c) unprotected sex, d) sex in non-private locations, e) extramarital conception. Many betrayed men speak of experiencing more than one of these.

Scientific research has shown that mothers’ basic mate value centers on fidelity and mothering (Josephs & Shimberg, 2010; Selterman et al., 2019; Wade, 2010). In this context, it seems noteworthy that fathers state that their wife engaging in sexual intercourse outside the marriage—the act that resulted in the birth of children to the marriage—creates feelings of basic disgust centered around her motherhood. Research shows that sexual infidelity correlates to sharp declines in mothers’ mate value (Allen et al., 2005; De Stefano & Oala, 2008; Millar & Baker, 2017).

Can basic disgust be forgiven or otherwise overcome? Research shows that basic emotions cannot be overcome by cognitive processes. Research also shows that basic emotions are not losses that can be grieved and forgiven and that they are not trauma, per se. More to the point, betrayed fathers rarely speak of feeling hurt by their wife’s betrayal. Rather, they speak of losses of meaning, based on the destruction of their marriage. Conversations with betrayed fathers and scientific research strongly suggest—likely establish—that men’s experiences with betrayal are different than women’s.

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