Bypass

Facts and damages inherent to women’s (mother’s) sexual infidelity evoke psychological and physiological chaos for bonded, committed, conscientious men (fathers). Brutal biological and cognitive realities, experiences, choices, and decisions follow discovery. Some of these become evident immediately. Others dawn slowly. Men’s unconscious (biology) activates complex protective measures anchored on their biological bonds. Men’s cognition also enters overdrive, attempting to make sense of nonsense.

Bypass describes biological and cognitive efforts to block out facts, damages, realities, and experiences of infidelity. The Research for Betrayed Men founders have identified three types of bypass based in biological processes: humanity, code, and service. Biology induced bypass involves betrayed men prioritizing humanity, code, or service-based considerations above their own realities, experiences, and wellbeing. This noted, biological and cognitive realities and experiences must be understood before they can be processed. The complex conflicts inherent to men’s unconscious biology, activating the protective measures that block understanding and processing of biological realities and experiences, requires highlighting and acknowledging these biological processes.

Humanity based bypass centers on allaying unfaithful women’s decisions, planning, actions, and deceptions toward others, including their children, and oftentimes, the spouse and children of other men, likened to Dante’s ninth circle of hell. Humanity based bypass narratives read as: Humanity is frailty; She did not know what she was doing; She fell in with the wrong sort; She made a mistake; She was emotionally neglected and entitled as a child.

Code-based bypass takes two main forms. One is standalone, which reads as: My vow of commitment had no exit clause. The second form lies at the core of humanity and service-based bypass. This form reads as: I devoted myself to my marriage, to my children, and my word is my bond.

Service-based bypass centers on protecting others, which also takes two forms. One form reads as: My children's wellbeing, security, and family’s legacy require that I sacrifice my own wellbeing. The second form reads as: If I can create a space for redemption, then I feel compelled to try.

Conscientiousness, the cognitive recognition of, and commitment to, biological bonds, drives humanity, code, and service-based considerations. Such concerns reflect the personality and character of bonded, committed men (fathers). Bypassing facts, damages, realities, and experiences based on these considerations, however, traps men. Working toward understanding and processing them enables men to find the requisite strength to safeguard their family’s wellbeing, security, and legacy.

Spiritual bypass is primarily cognitive. It entails circumventing or overcoming facts and damages by focusing on concepts rooted in one's faith or higher power. Men who hold religious faith might reason: God teaches the importance of forgiveness. Men who hold secular faith might reason: My higher power informs my psyche of the importance of altruism. Spirituality, religious or secular, can be a guidepost in turmoil. However, overemphasis on spirituality in upheaval traps men in the upheaval.

Humanity, code, service-based, and spiritual bypass involve a significant downside. They can collapse abruptly. A second discovery, learning of previously unknown facts about a past discovery, learning that a family member or friend has been betrayed, reading a book, or listening to a podcast can bring bypass to a hard stop. Moreover, the longer betrayed men engage in bypass before such a collapse, the greater the shock tends to be.

Working toward understanding and processing facts, damages, realities, and experiences of infidelity requires a journey, a concept in analytical psychology. Such a journey is also defined by many historical and modern civilizations, cultures, and mythologies. The next essay describes such journeys.