Facts

Context:

The Research for Betrayed Men project centers on bonded, committed, conscientious men. Social and clinical psychology literature regarding infidelity explains women’s and men’s behaviors and experiences too broadly, specifically outside the scope of personality stability. This essay surveys facts, dynamics, costs, and consequences of women’s sexual infidelity, in specific contexts.

The men are fathers, and the women are mothers. Most couples are in their mid-thirties to mid-fifties. Most are well educated, many hold graduate degrees. All the men are socially and professionally successful. Many of the women are successful professionals.

All the women have had at least one sexual affair. Most have also had at least one emotional affair. Most women have had three or more affairs. About two thirds of women have had sexual affairs with men in committed relationships. None of the women (mothers) have left the betrayed relationship.

Most of the men have one discovery of multiple sexual and emotional affairs. Some have more than one discovery.  All the men prioritize their children’s wellbeing. None of them regard leaving the betrayed relationship as a viable option.

Personality

Fidelity and infidelity are strongly associated with unconscious life history strategy, self-aware general factors of personality and psychopathology, and personality organization (Allen & Walter, 2018; Davis et al., 2019; McDowell & Starratt, 2021; Musek, 2017; Oltmanns et al., 2018; van der Linden et al., 2023; van Zyl, 2021). Life history and many facets of personality organization are significantly heritable (Zietsch & Sidari, 2019). They are also learned from, and reinforced by, primary caregiver (parents’) behaviors (Volk, 2025). Personality organization is exceedingly complex, and it changes little throughout an individual’s lifespan (Jirjahn & Ottenbacher, 2023; Lake et al., 2025; Rushton et al., 2008).

Slow life history, general factors of personality, and positive (altruistic) personality organization share alignments, and are associated with fidelity (Apostolou & Panayiotou, 2019; Fernandes et al., 2016; Reinhardt & Reinhard, 2023). Fast life history, general factors of psychopathology, and aversive personality organization share alignments, and are associated with infidelity (Davis et al., 2019; Fowler & Both, 2020; Jirjahn & Ottenbacher, 2023;). High conscientiousness is strongly associated with fidelity (Fayard et al., 2012). Conversely, low conscientiousness is strongly associated with infidelity (Buunk et al., 2018). Specific to women, neuroticism (dissatisfaction with one’s relationship), is strongly associated with infidelity (Allen & Walter, 2018; Barta & Kiene, 2005; Widiger & Oltmanns, 2017). Furthermore, narcissism, particularly vulnerable narcissism (dissatisfaction with one’s spouse), and secondary psychopathy (dissatisfaction with exclusive commitment), are strongly associated with infidelity (Buss & Shackelford, 1997; Egan & Angus, 2004; Freyth & Jonason, 2023; Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023; Vrabel et al., 2020).

Prevalence and Self-Presentation

Women’s, particularly mother’s, sexual infidelity has been understudied. The data, however, bear out that women and men betray at equal rates (Fisher, 2013; Johnson, 2005; Thompson, 1983). Considerable data has shown that women commit sexual infidelity at higher rates than men (Adamopoulou, 2013; Brand et al., 2007; Whisman & Snyder, 2007).

A 1970 study found that 36 percent of women admitted to extramarital intercourse (Thompson, 1983). A 1975 study showed that 34 percent of women between 26 to 30 years of age admitted to extramarital coitus. These researchers projected that when women of that age group reached 40 years, up to half would have engaged in sexual infidelity (Bell et al., 1975). Two other 1975 studies showed that 39 percent of married women admitted to sexual infidelity (Thompson, 1983). A 1976 study found that 32 percent of American women admitted to sexual infidelity (Maykovich, 1976). A 1984 study showed that 48 percent of women admitted to committing emotional or sexual infidelity (Thompson, 1984). A 1992 study found that 54 percent of women were unfaithful during their lifetime (Tsapelas et al., 2010). A 1993 study found that 44 percent of divorced women admitted to sexual infidelity (Heintzelman et al., 2014). A 1995 study cited data showing that about half of women admit to emotional and sexual infidelity (Sheppard et al., 1995). These data have remained consistent in recent decades (Adamopoulou, 2013; Alexopoulos & Gamble, 2022; Apostolou, 2023; Vangelisti & Gerstenberger, 2014; Whisman & Snyder, 2007).

Women underreport promiscuity and infidelity (Fahs & Swank, 2022, Krumpal, 2013; Whisman & Snyder, 2007). Culture, religiosity, and particularly, self-presentation variables (self-monitoring, impression management, and social desirability), are associated with underreporting promiscuity and infidelity (Fincham & May, 2017; King, 2022; Kowalski et al., 2018; Maykovich, 1976; Preti & Miotto, 2011). Self-monitoring, impression management, and social desirability are associated with intentionally veiling one’s own personality and behaviors, from oneself and others. (Baughman et al, 2014; Brewer & Abell, 2015; Jones & Paulhus, 2017; Kim et al, 2023; Lyons et al., 2022). In one example, a 1983 study, which considered social desirability responding, cited data published in 1981 that projected 45 to 55 percent of women sexually betray a spouse by age 40 (Thompson, 1983). In another example, annual prevalence rates of infidelity range between 1.5 to 5 percent (Tsapelas et al., 2010; Warach et al., 2019; Whisman et al., 2007). A 2007 study, however, found that in specific settings women admitted to a 6.13 percent annual prevalence of infidelity (Whisman & Snyder, 2007).

More broadly, women’s infidelity rates of 45 to 55 percent may be conservative (Apostolou & Panayiotou, 2019; Spitzberg, 2016; Thompson, 1983). Some estimates put the rates as high as 68 to 70 percent (Allen & Baucom, 2006; Shackelford & Buss, 1997; Wiederman & Hurd, 1999). Personality predicts inclinations to, and engagement in, infidelity (Apostolou & Panayiotou, 2019; Brewer & Abell, 2015; Fincham & May, 2017; Lyons et al., 2022; Warach et al., 2019).

Relationship Dynamics

Two individuals with slow life history and positive personality value honesty, stability, and predictability. They vet one another diligently. Investment, respect, and fidelity are hallmarks of such relationships (Finkel & Eastwick, 2015; Tran et al., 2019; Young & Zeigler-Hill, 2024).

Two individuals with a fast life history and aversive personality value hedonism, feeling happy, and how their relationship makes them feel about themselves (Egan & Angus, 2004; Furtado et al., 2024; Mattingly et al., 2011; Rodriguez et al., 2018; Shackelford et al., 2008). Sensation-seeking, impulsiveness, egocentrism, deception, and infidelity are hallmarks of such relationships (Banfield & McCabe, 2001; Brewer & Abell, 2015; Brewer et al., 2019; Freyth & Jonason, 2023; Krizan & Herlache, 2018). Women and men with fast life dispositions and aversive personalities engage in such behaviors at equal rates (Klein Haneveld et al., 2022; Kowalski et al., 2018; Krumpal, 2013).

The Research for Betrayed Men project centers on men who learn, by discovering their spouse’s infidelity, that they are in an asymmetrically committed relationship (Dobson et al., 2023; Mandal, 2020; Rodriguez et al., 2018; Stanley et al., 2019; Tran et al., 2019). This realization tends to be amplified by the betrayed man’s committed lifestyle and the unfaithful spouse’s troubledness (Apostolou, 2023; Brewer et al., 2015; Buss & Shackleford, 1997; Buunk et al., 2018; Egan & Angus, 2004; Green et al., 2022; Unrau & Morry, 2019). It also tends to be amplified by motherhood, by mothers engaging with men in committed relationships, and the duration of the betrayed relationship (Davis et al, 2019). Put differently, women’s, particularly mother’s, infidelity strikes at men’s slow life, committed conscientiousness, which is directly associated with their biological bondedness (Finkel & Eastwick, 2015; Stanley, 2019; Tybur et al., 2018).

Façades and Taboos

A central feature of asymmetric commitment is high and unrestricted sociosexuality (Greiling & Buss, 2000; Mattingly et al., 2011; Urganci et al., 2021). Women conceal such sociosexual orientations from men who they would like to be in a committed relationship with (Buss & Schmitt, 1993). Furthermore, high and unrestricted sociosexuality is strongly associated with aversive personality and marital infidelity (Apostolou, 2023; Freyth & Jonason, 2023; Moore et al., 2020).

Another key feature of asymmetric commitment is high neuroticism, which women also conceal from men who they would like to be in a committed relationship with (Allen & Walter, 2018; Roelofs et al., 2008; Widiger & Oltmanns, 2017). Neuroticism is associated with vulnerable narcissism, secondary psychopathy, and identity disturbances (Bonfá-Araujo & Schermer, 2024; Krizan & Herlache, 2018; Miller et al., 2018). It is also associated with indifference, the inverse of committed love, risky impulsivity, a self-defeating lifestyle, and rationalizing and justifying wrongdoing (Ali & Chamorro-Premuzic, 2010; Allen & Walter, 2018; Cruz et al., 2000; Kjærvik & Thomson, 2025; Levenson et al., 1995; Lișman & Corneliu, 2023; Warach et al., 2019). Moreover, mothers’ sexual infidelity particularly reflects low conscientiousness (Davis et al., 2019).

Dante’s Ninth Circle

Infidelity requires malevolence, an attitude of indifference regarding the psychological and physiological harm of spouses, children, and oftentimes, the spouse and children of the other person (Apostolou, 2023; Brewer et al., 2020; Jones & Weiser, 2014). Premeditated sexual betrayal, which entails deliberate selection of the other person, extensive contemplation and calculations, availability signaling, and complex forms of manipulation and deception, has been identified as particularly callous and aversive (Bagarozzi, 2008; Bendixen et al., 2018; Curtis et al., 2021). Premeditated infidelity is also associated with rationalization, justification, and blame attribution (Apostolou & Pediaditakis, 2023; Lișman & Corneliu, 2023; Warach et al., 2019). The attitudes and behaviors intrinsic to premeditated infidelity are associated with Dante’s ninth circle of hell (Baumeister et al., 2001; Charny & Parnass, 1995; Fitness, 2001; Kowalski et al., 2021; Winegard et al., 2014).

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